6th day in Bali, July 26, 2009

Part II of the adventure after writing the first entry. After I posted the last entry, I realized I was too late for a yoga class at Desa Seni Village.... which was too bad since it would've been cool to practice outdoor. Perhaps another day. Anyway, headed out to Prana Spa... same place that I had a two hour bliss massage done on the 2nd day that I was here.... which btw was amazing! B hooked it up w/ the gift cards....thanks B!! Right... yoga class.... it was called Shivananda Yoga. I've done sivananda yoga at the sivananda ashram and what we did at Prana Spa was NOTHING like the sivananda yoga that we did at the ashram, but it was good. I remember thinking... "hmm... I could do this at home." She pretty much did the series I had done on my 2nd day here when I decided to do an asana practice in the room. Perhaps another pointer beseeching me to pay attention.... "Start your own home practice!" It's just so damn challenging to do a home practice even though I know that my practice will go much further if I start my own home practice. I've been told this by yoga instructors, but each time I try I'm faced with not being completely present like I am in the classes. When I do my own practice, I feel as if I am in my head trying to come up w/ the next pose to do. I love following the words of the instructors....I don't have to be in my head. I can be completely home in my body....being completely connected to my breath. It's a beautiful thing to be in complete flow where the breath and movement are one and the time space continuum is suspended for the 90 minutes of practice of pure awareness and bliss. It's no wonder I'm hooked.... it's my time to come home to "me".... not worrying about attending to another... leaving my work and day behind. And the more I can be home with me the more I can be present to others. What a concept! So after yoga I walked along the street and was hit on by some Indonesian men working to direct traffic into the parking lots of different business establishments. Interesting that one of the first questions in the conversation was "Are you married?". First question of course "Where are you from?" Always answer: from American because if you say from the U.S. you will get a quizzical look. I told B about this and he says that is how they make conversation. Nice cultural difference from the U.S. right? Anyway, after walking around for a bit, I found a restaurant and had a bite to eat. The food was okay -- had a lot of cracked shells from the egg... had fried rice - Duh! Let's see... had a few too many beers as well and was pretty much drunk after the meal. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed drinking beer. Before this trip, I had not had myself a buzz or drunk moment in quite some time -- this was a nice welcome. Anyway, I would've fancied myself some Gin and Tonics but spirits are expensive here so bintangs will have to do for now. In my inebriated state, I had completely forgotten the name of the taxi company I used to get out there and didn't know if I should flag a taxi down. So I asked the nice man at the Prana gift store about getting taxis and he called me one. The people here are very nice and accommodating.... a missing piece back home. It's very disheartening to see just how disconnected people are back home. When I was living in my condo community there were countless times where I would say hello to folks, only to be greeted back with stolid countenances. What's up with that? Are people that afraid of the human connection? It is absolutely appalling to me to see how we are all so isolated and disconnected to ourselves, to others, to animals, to Earth. People are so busy working their asses off at work that when they get home from work, most people just want to disconnect...turn the switch off! Hmm... let's see what's on the tube? "I just want to zone out... vege out..." whatever you want to call it. But let's look at that... do we really vege out if we're watching television? I think not! Our senses are completely bombarded with nonsense for the most part. So my question is this... If we truly want to give our minds and senses a break, are we truly doing that when we are zoning out in front of the television set? How much do we really have to escape? And if we are constantly seeking some escape, shouldn't we pay attention to why and what we are escaping? We all have our ways of escaping and I'm not trying to judge the different ways of escape here.... just posing some questions to ponder is all. My classic go to escape from being alone is to stay busy with activities of course -- classic! This trip has certainly posed challenges in this regard. I have become dependent on B to show me around instead of independently seeking out activities. The first night that B took off (my 2nd night here) and I spent the night alone was when it all started. I didn't particularly like being alone, but I dealt with it. Around 3:30 a.m. I felt a strange sense of some entity in the room going into the bathroom... that was pretty eerie. Anyway, when I awoke in the morning I felt very sad. Not sure why and I didn't go into my mind to tell a story about my sadness. I allowed it some space, but did not dwell on it. On the 4th night B took off to give me some space to be able to sleep since I had not been sleeping. Well, I did not do well with that at all. I still couldn't sleep and woke up at 4:30 a.m. and starting sobbing. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed with my thoughts and wasn't able to deal with it. Of course my mind immediately went to how alone I felt and thought of my breakup with J. Thoughts of "why am I not married at age 36?".... "Will I ever have children?", etc. etc. Of course these thoughts are unproductive thoughts and I can't predict the future so these thoughts just keep me going in circles. But man... being caught up in the emotions and the thoughts keeps me imprisoned and paralyzed. Later in the morning in the midst of still crying I decided to journal and listen to the music on my MP3 player. Felt pretty bad that B witnessed this. In the middle of writing I got scared by him as he was there with a cup of tea. He rubbed my back to comfort me and I finally stopped crying. It was good to get a good cry, but didn't like all the accompanying thoughts. We talked over lunch and B made a comment that perhaps I hadn't really processed the breakup with J. But the truth is I had processed the breakup and feel that it was the right thing to do. I think the breakup has been good for J and I am happy to see him come into his own and do what he is passionate about. However, what I hadn't completely processed were my feelings and ideas around marriage and having children. That's a tough one. I'm at peace with it when I'm not comparing myself to friends who are married and have children. When I start this process, I realize the void that I feel as a result of not having experienced these so called milestones in my life. My ego wants what it wants and loves to keep me in a state of duality. I'm happy to oblige most all times to this ever powerful ego of mine. But I do have moments of egolessness, but those are few and far between. I realize that I have lots yet to deconstruct....although I started the process in my late 20's. Interesting to see just how many layers there are....makes sense though since there's been so many years of conditioning. Well, it is about 3:30 p.m. here and I'm feeling very tired. I don't think I'm going to get out today. It'll be interesting to see just how okay my ego feels about not "doing" something whilst on vacation and "wasting my time not doing." I should be out exploring the city, experiencing the city, covering much ground, etc. etc. All these should(s) belong to my ego. My heart has taken a back seat to the ever loquacious ego of mine for long enough. It's time to quiet the ego and let my heart take the lead. I'm taking a nap. Until next time....

My energy in Bali

I arrived in Bali at the Denpasar airport on July 21, 2009 at about 11:30 a.m. I had traveled for about 23 hours, not including the layovers in Tokyo and Bangkok, so I was pretty much in a daze. I did manage to catch some zzz's while on the way to Bangkok, and even at the Bangkok airport. But the fitful sleeps don't quite count as restful sleep now does it? So needless to say I was in that space of fuzziness, which was quite conducive to going with the flow of things and being open to whatever arose from moment to moment. The airport is small and quite nice. Navigating my way through it was a bit challenging, but I managed to catch some laughs which always seem to make whatever is happening less serious and manageable. Anyway, B met me at the airport, which was very sweet of him. The taxi ride was very interesting. The driver had a bad attitude and was offended that B had explained in detail where to take me. He even made comments about how bad it is to have people from different parts come to live in Bali. Driving through the streets was interesting as well.... lots of traffic and a bit chaotic with motorbikes and cars sharing the lanes. It was great for me because I was in the mode of just letting it all soak in and seeing the place through much curiosity and awe for this place I will spending the next 13 days.

After dropping off my bags, we went to a cute restaurant for lunch and sat outside overlooking the beach. It was very peaceful and very different from California in a good way. At this moment I am mesmerized by a pretty big ant that has just crawled past my fingers and up the laptop. Such a beautiful little creature navigating itself through with its antennae all through the cables, on the screen, on the keyboard... moving quite fast and appearing to be looking for something.... or maybe just hanging out and exploring. But I digress... so where was I? Oh right, back to what we did afterward. My memory's gotten a little fuzzy, but I think we headed out to Echo Beach and had dinner there and had a nice chat. It's been a bit overcast so there wasn't a real nice sunset to be had. But nonetheless, peaceful and the BBQ butterfish was delicious.

So jetlag? Umm... yes - definitely!! Insomnia? Yes!!! We went back to B's place and I showered and attempted to sleep--very unsuccessfully that is. He was so sweet in trying to help ground my restless energy... gave me a great footrub... which normally would've knocked me out. Hmm.... not this time.... not working! Spooning... lying still... um... not happening.... be still? Not that night -- no way! Finally did fall asleep for a bit, but woke up through the night and woke up real early... around 5:30 I think. Very ungrounded energy....in an unfamiliar surrounding... don't know B very well... only over emails, chats, and that one time about 2 years ago when we met in person. But for some strange reason I feel comfortable with him... almost as if I've known him in another lifetime or something. So crazy on paper (when the mind is involved of course) - yes! But I feel comfortable with it, which is very surprising as well since I'm normally pretty paranoid and cautious about unveiling my identity. The rule is... don't provide your last name... be nondescript about where you live...don't ever allow the person to know your place of residence unless you've gotten to know him and you feel safe... and you know where he lives, where he works, his personal info, etc.....be vague about any personal information so he can't find you if he wants to stalk you. I guess I've had some pretty bad experiences with guys stalking me online so better to err on the side of paranoia. Right... so back to the current situation. I probably feel connected and attracted to B because of his ability to be open... his looks....his smarts....his free spirit....doesn't matter... what matters most is my comfort level. I do feel a strange sense of attraction to him though, which is unusual since I normally am not attracted to men who are more than 4 years older than me. None of this matters since all we will share is a platonic friendship, which I am completely fine with at the moment.

So weird for me to be creating an online journal entry whilst on vacation. I've done some journaling in my paper journal as well, but that's something I'm used to doing. B is out and I'm here by myself and decided I wanted to journal instead of going out to Kuta and Legian Beach to do some shopping. I will get out there in a bit, but I was drawn to the computer to journal and the internet was working so why not?

This vacation has been very different from any other vacations I have been on. I had no expectations coming out here, but it's quite interesting to observe the "travel" file of the mind open itself up.....where habits formed from previous travels have come out to play (uninvited)....and when rejected....comes on even stronger....jealous of the possibility of new habits forming...feeling very threatened of the possibility of non-existence. Looking for some soothing... some nurturing... crying out for help... making threats that if they leave I will feel empty and experience absolute loneliness... that I cannot survive without them. I will not deny that they have been great allies for me in times when my ego has needed them. I know that it is not necessary to deny them and I can make space for them to be there as new habits form and allow a space of oneness. Sounds great! How do I do this? Not sure, but I will try some awareness practice of creating some space... becoming the observer of the observed experience and being mindful to not get caught up in the downward spiral of analysis and becoming completely caught up in residing in my head. Courage is the name of the game isn't it? Have heart... have courage.... allow yourself to open up to new possibilities. Well, I could sit here and write so much more, but I'm feeling drawn to leave this for now and go do something different. Until next time.....