6th day in Bali, July 26, 2009

Part II of the adventure after writing the first entry. After I posted the last entry, I realized I was too late for a yoga class at Desa Seni Village.... which was too bad since it would've been cool to practice outdoor. Perhaps another day. Anyway, headed out to Prana Spa... same place that I had a two hour bliss massage done on the 2nd day that I was here.... which btw was amazing! B hooked it up w/ the gift cards....thanks B!! Right... yoga class.... it was called Shivananda Yoga. I've done sivananda yoga at the sivananda ashram and what we did at Prana Spa was NOTHING like the sivananda yoga that we did at the ashram, but it was good. I remember thinking... "hmm... I could do this at home." She pretty much did the series I had done on my 2nd day here when I decided to do an asana practice in the room. Perhaps another pointer beseeching me to pay attention.... "Start your own home practice!" It's just so damn challenging to do a home practice even though I know that my practice will go much further if I start my own home practice. I've been told this by yoga instructors, but each time I try I'm faced with not being completely present like I am in the classes. When I do my own practice, I feel as if I am in my head trying to come up w/ the next pose to do. I love following the words of the instructors....I don't have to be in my head. I can be completely home in my body....being completely connected to my breath. It's a beautiful thing to be in complete flow where the breath and movement are one and the time space continuum is suspended for the 90 minutes of practice of pure awareness and bliss. It's no wonder I'm hooked.... it's my time to come home to "me".... not worrying about attending to another... leaving my work and day behind. And the more I can be home with me the more I can be present to others. What a concept! So after yoga I walked along the street and was hit on by some Indonesian men working to direct traffic into the parking lots of different business establishments. Interesting that one of the first questions in the conversation was "Are you married?". First question of course "Where are you from?" Always answer: from American because if you say from the U.S. you will get a quizzical look. I told B about this and he says that is how they make conversation. Nice cultural difference from the U.S. right? Anyway, after walking around for a bit, I found a restaurant and had a bite to eat. The food was okay -- had a lot of cracked shells from the egg... had fried rice - Duh! Let's see... had a few too many beers as well and was pretty much drunk after the meal. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed drinking beer. Before this trip, I had not had myself a buzz or drunk moment in quite some time -- this was a nice welcome. Anyway, I would've fancied myself some Gin and Tonics but spirits are expensive here so bintangs will have to do for now. In my inebriated state, I had completely forgotten the name of the taxi company I used to get out there and didn't know if I should flag a taxi down. So I asked the nice man at the Prana gift store about getting taxis and he called me one. The people here are very nice and accommodating.... a missing piece back home. It's very disheartening to see just how disconnected people are back home. When I was living in my condo community there were countless times where I would say hello to folks, only to be greeted back with stolid countenances. What's up with that? Are people that afraid of the human connection? It is absolutely appalling to me to see how we are all so isolated and disconnected to ourselves, to others, to animals, to Earth. People are so busy working their asses off at work that when they get home from work, most people just want to disconnect...turn the switch off! Hmm... let's see what's on the tube? "I just want to zone out... vege out..." whatever you want to call it. But let's look at that... do we really vege out if we're watching television? I think not! Our senses are completely bombarded with nonsense for the most part. So my question is this... If we truly want to give our minds and senses a break, are we truly doing that when we are zoning out in front of the television set? How much do we really have to escape? And if we are constantly seeking some escape, shouldn't we pay attention to why and what we are escaping? We all have our ways of escaping and I'm not trying to judge the different ways of escape here.... just posing some questions to ponder is all. My classic go to escape from being alone is to stay busy with activities of course -- classic! This trip has certainly posed challenges in this regard. I have become dependent on B to show me around instead of independently seeking out activities. The first night that B took off (my 2nd night here) and I spent the night alone was when it all started. I didn't particularly like being alone, but I dealt with it. Around 3:30 a.m. I felt a strange sense of some entity in the room going into the bathroom... that was pretty eerie. Anyway, when I awoke in the morning I felt very sad. Not sure why and I didn't go into my mind to tell a story about my sadness. I allowed it some space, but did not dwell on it. On the 4th night B took off to give me some space to be able to sleep since I had not been sleeping. Well, I did not do well with that at all. I still couldn't sleep and woke up at 4:30 a.m. and starting sobbing. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed with my thoughts and wasn't able to deal with it. Of course my mind immediately went to how alone I felt and thought of my breakup with J. Thoughts of "why am I not married at age 36?".... "Will I ever have children?", etc. etc. Of course these thoughts are unproductive thoughts and I can't predict the future so these thoughts just keep me going in circles. But man... being caught up in the emotions and the thoughts keeps me imprisoned and paralyzed. Later in the morning in the midst of still crying I decided to journal and listen to the music on my MP3 player. Felt pretty bad that B witnessed this. In the middle of writing I got scared by him as he was there with a cup of tea. He rubbed my back to comfort me and I finally stopped crying. It was good to get a good cry, but didn't like all the accompanying thoughts. We talked over lunch and B made a comment that perhaps I hadn't really processed the breakup with J. But the truth is I had processed the breakup and feel that it was the right thing to do. I think the breakup has been good for J and I am happy to see him come into his own and do what he is passionate about. However, what I hadn't completely processed were my feelings and ideas around marriage and having children. That's a tough one. I'm at peace with it when I'm not comparing myself to friends who are married and have children. When I start this process, I realize the void that I feel as a result of not having experienced these so called milestones in my life. My ego wants what it wants and loves to keep me in a state of duality. I'm happy to oblige most all times to this ever powerful ego of mine. But I do have moments of egolessness, but those are few and far between. I realize that I have lots yet to deconstruct....although I started the process in my late 20's. Interesting to see just how many layers there are....makes sense though since there's been so many years of conditioning. Well, it is about 3:30 p.m. here and I'm feeling very tired. I don't think I'm going to get out today. It'll be interesting to see just how okay my ego feels about not "doing" something whilst on vacation and "wasting my time not doing." I should be out exploring the city, experiencing the city, covering much ground, etc. etc. All these should(s) belong to my ego. My heart has taken a back seat to the ever loquacious ego of mine for long enough. It's time to quiet the ego and let my heart take the lead. I'm taking a nap. Until next time....