I arrived in Bali at the Denpasar airport on July 21, 2009 at about 11:30 a.m. I had traveled for about 23 hours, not including the layovers in Tokyo and Bangkok, so I was pretty much in a daze. I did manage to catch some zzz's while on the way to Bangkok, and even at the Bangkok airport. But the fitful sleeps don't quite count as restful sleep now does it? So needless to say I was in that space of fuzziness, which was quite conducive to going with the flow of things and being open to whatever arose from moment to moment. The airport is small and quite nice. Navigating my way through it was a bit challenging, but I managed to catch some laughs which always seem to make whatever is happening less serious and manageable. Anyway, B met me at the airport, which was very sweet of him. The taxi ride was very interesting. The driver had a bad attitude and was offended that B had explained in detail where to take me. He even made comments about how bad it is to have people from different parts come to live in Bali. Driving through the streets was interesting as well.... lots of traffic and a bit chaotic with motorbikes and cars sharing the lanes. It was great for me because I was in the mode of just letting it all soak in and seeing the place through much curiosity and awe for this place I will spending the next 13 days.
After dropping off my bags, we went to a cute restaurant for lunch and sat outside overlooking the beach. It was very peaceful and very different from California in a good way. At this moment I am mesmerized by a pretty big ant that has just crawled past my fingers and up the laptop. Such a beautiful little creature navigating itself through with its antennae all through the cables, on the screen, on the keyboard... moving quite fast and appearing to be looking for something.... or maybe just hanging out and exploring. But I digress... so where was I? Oh right, back to what we did afterward. My memory's gotten a little fuzzy, but I think we headed out to Echo Beach and had dinner there and had a nice chat. It's been a bit overcast so there wasn't a real nice sunset to be had. But nonetheless, peaceful and the BBQ butterfish was delicious.
So jetlag? Umm... yes - definitely!! Insomnia? Yes!!! We went back to B's place and I showered and attempted to sleep--very unsuccessfully that is. He was so sweet in trying to help ground my restless energy... gave me a great footrub... which normally would've knocked me out. Hmm.... not this time.... not working! Spooning... lying still... um... not happening.... be still? Not that night -- no way! Finally did fall asleep for a bit, but woke up through the night and woke up real early... around 5:30 I think. Very ungrounded energy....in an unfamiliar surrounding... don't know B very well... only over emails, chats, and that one time about 2 years ago when we met in person. But for some strange reason I feel comfortable with him... almost as if I've known him in another lifetime or something. So crazy on paper (when the mind is involved of course) - yes! But I feel comfortable with it, which is very surprising as well since I'm normally pretty paranoid and cautious about unveiling my identity. The rule is... don't provide your last name... be nondescript about where you live...don't ever allow the person to know your place of residence unless you've gotten to know him and you feel safe... and you know where he lives, where he works, his personal info, etc.....be vague about any personal information so he can't find you if he wants to stalk you. I guess I've had some pretty bad experiences with guys stalking me online so better to err on the side of paranoia. Right... so back to the current situation. I probably feel connected and attracted to B because of his ability to be open... his looks....his smarts....his free spirit....doesn't matter... what matters most is my comfort level. I do feel a strange sense of attraction to him though, which is unusual since I normally am not attracted to men who are more than 4 years older than me. None of this matters since all we will share is a platonic friendship, which I am completely fine with at the moment.
So weird for me to be creating an online journal entry whilst on vacation. I've done some journaling in my paper journal as well, but that's something I'm used to doing. B is out and I'm here by myself and decided I wanted to journal instead of going out to Kuta and Legian Beach to do some shopping. I will get out there in a bit, but I was drawn to the computer to journal and the internet was working so why not?
This vacation has been very different from any other vacations I have been on. I had no expectations coming out here, but it's quite interesting to observe the "travel" file of the mind open itself up.....where habits formed from previous travels have come out to play (uninvited)....and when rejected....comes on even stronger....jealous of the possibility of new habits forming...feeling very threatened of the possibility of non-existence. Looking for some soothing... some nurturing... crying out for help... making threats that if they leave I will feel empty and experience absolute loneliness... that I cannot survive without them. I will not deny that they have been great allies for me in times when my ego has needed them. I know that it is not necessary to deny them and I can make space for them to be there as new habits form and allow a space of oneness. Sounds great! How do I do this? Not sure, but I will try some awareness practice of creating some space... becoming the observer of the observed experience and being mindful to not get caught up in the downward spiral of analysis and becoming completely caught up in residing in my head. Courage is the name of the game isn't it? Have heart... have courage.... allow yourself to open up to new possibilities. Well, I could sit here and write so much more, but I'm feeling drawn to leave this for now and go do something different. Until next time.....
No comments:
Post a Comment