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Ordinary Moments

I love taking pictures of ordinary moments!  I am just drawn to something about these moments.  Following are some snaps of ordinary moments from my trip this summer to Bali, Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia, and Taipei. 

 

Clouds

When I stepped out to walk Roxxie, I was mesmerized by the clouds.  It was absolutely amazing and stunning.  I immediately ran back into the house to grab my camera.  Pictures tell all.

Sitting in the room of Mines Hotel in Kuala Lumpur

How ironic is this?  It is a beautiful day today and I am not in the mood at all to be out and about exploring KL.  We arrived on the morning of Sun, July 25th.  Since we arrived, I have been exploring KL by taking the shuttle from the hotel to the Kuala Lumpur Convention Center (KLCC) and taking the trains and walking everywhere.  I think I have seen almost all of KL at this point.  I did not, however, get to some of the sites that I thought I would want to do whilst here.  But to be honest, I am perfectly happy sitting in the cool room powered by the A/C and being online and occasionally sitting out on the porch to enjoy the warmth and looking out at the apartment buildings and the man-made lake that our room overlooks.  The hotel is nice enough, but the service is NOT good and the food pretty much sucks.  It is a called Mines Wellness Hotel and Spa, but nothing here says wellness that's for sure.  It's actually quite funny, I think.  Anyway, Nelson, Warren's friend here in Malaysia, will stop by the hotel shortly.  I think he is surprised that I am not out.  Frankly, I am surprised that I'm okay with sitting here on my vacation -- imagine that!  I usually like to be out relishing all that a place has to offer and experiencing everything I can until about midnight and come back to the hotel to crash.  Times sure have changed and I am okay with it.

KL is an interesting city in a different way.  It feels so weird to see women donning their burkas daily irregardless of how hot it is.  I find it so oppressive towards women.  I think it keeps them further imprisoned in this Muslim society where women are clearly regarded below men and appear to be properties of their husbands.  Talk about stripping away their sense of identity and any form of self expression.  And I'm not buying this bullshit about how women have to cover themselves as to reduce the desires of other men.  What kind of society are we living in anyway?  I don't know... maybe it is I, who is ignorant, and need to hear how it makes women feel to wear burkas.  Although I'm sure if I talked to the women they will most likely not voice their opinions or they probably feel it is just what they are expected to do; thereby, having accepted it.  And I may get some justifications or a list of pros as to why wearing burkas in public is a good thing.  But I still think that if I hear positives and no negatives it would be their way of making sense of their situation and making it okay.  It would be like a child who would blame themselves for the abuse inflicted by their parents, because after-all it is easier to think that one is unlovable than to believe that one could be unloved.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I just know that I did not like the feeling I got as we entered the airport.  The men greeted Brent with "Good morning, Sir" and no greetings for me, as I am, but a woman.  When we approached the immigration dude, he of course took Brent's passport although I had place mine down first.  Again, maybe I am just a little sensitive to sexism, racism, ageism, etc.

I do have to say that I'm glad that I got to experience KL.  When Brent first asked me if I would come out here with him while he worked I was somewhat hesitant, but I figured I'd come out and be open to being here so I can spend time with him.  I've had a good time exploring the city taking the trains and walking all over.  I've loved walking into different neighborhoods and smelling the different aromas and tasting the different flavors of the various areas.

My first day was an adventure in itself.  I arrived at KLCC and immediately went into Suria KLCC mall to get to the HSBC ATM.  I initially took out 150 ringgit and decided that I should take an additional 130 ringgit, but instead took out 1300!  So I decided that I would go to the HSBC bank to deposit the money.  I took the train to the Dang Wangi station and walked all the way down to the Bukit Bintang area, which I later realized that the walk took longer because I took the train.  But I just went with what the woman in the mall said I should do....actually she said I should transfer trains so I can get dropped off in the Bukit Bintang area, but I chose to walk instead so it was my choice.  But all was good I got to see the Kuala Lumpur tower on the way down.

So I almost got ripped off at the KLCC train station.  The tix cost $1.30 and I gave them 50 ringgit and I got back 70 sen.  I just took it and when I got down to the platform I realized something was wrong so went back upstairs to clear things up.  When I tried to explain to the security guy there, his first couple replies were, "never mind, where are you going?"  I finally told him where I was going, but told him that I didn't feel he understood me and repeated myself in a different way.  I was then brought to the window and he translated for me.  The guy there finally gave me about 45 ringgit back and said, "ma'am you forgot to take your money".   Yeah, right I forgot to take it because I was only given 70 sen back.  Anyway, I went back and asked him how much the tix was and that I still wasn't given the correct amount.  So he finally handed me the correct change.  I was shocked that they were trying to cheat me and after they were found out they still tried to cheat me -- unbelievable or believable from the perspective that they are just trying to make some extra cash at the expense of the unwary tourist. 

So Bukit Bintang is the area to be if you're into shopping because there were some big ass malls there, along with the big hotels scattered all around  -- among them the Ritz-Carlton.  Anyway when I got to HSBC I was told that I could not deposit the money because I didn't have a Malaysian account.  Hahahaha!  Oh well... I got to experience the area.  So I had to go to a money changer place and do an exchange and got back about $406.

Anyway, I walked my way back to KLCC and saw the Petronas Towers, which were amazing!!  I also had some pretty good noodle soup at a Japanese place in the mall of all places.... it was spicy just the way I like it.  :-)  So by about a quarter till 4 I decided to make my way down to wait for the shuttle.  Waited there and at about 4:10 I saw the shuttle just drive by.  "Well that's great", I thought.  I decided to get a cab back and asked the driver to turn the meter on, which he did.  He then started to complain about how bad traffic was and that the cost be 90 or 100 ringgit, but that he could offer a fixed rate.  After I saw the the meter was close to 50 and we hadn't even left the city, I agreed to his fixed price of 80 ringgit -- I knew that was too high.  I made conversation about the Ganesh in his cab and started talking about the Hinduism and then recounted the story about the train people trying to rip me off in hopes that it would get him to think about his own actions.  I guess it worked because he dropped the price down to 60 ringgit and I still felt it was too high, but didn't know what would be reasonable so I paid it.

I arrived at the same time as the shuttle and I decided to have a chat with the driver.  I told him that I waited for him and that he left me.  He proceeded to yell and the guy from the bell desk had to come to help.  I was asked if I could speak Chinese, but of course I can't so the shuttle driver spoke in Malay and the Bell desk dude translated for him.  Basically the shuttle driver got so intense and finally said, "if you want to complain then go ahead" and threw his hands up and walked away very angry.  I remained calm and thought, "OMG this is not that serious, dude".  I told the dude at the Bell desk that I am not going to complain, but just wanted to let him know what had happened.  Anyway, that was my day....all a part of the experience I say.  I had a great day!!  :-)

I would write more about the other days, but I'm all writed out!  I know writed is not a word, but it is today.  :-)  

   

Dream before seeing Kara, massage therapist

I was driving to Pacifica with my dog, Roxxie, for the first appt with Kara.  It was raining and a dreary morning or afternoon... I couldn't tell what time it was.  The condo was really hard to find, but I finally arrived -- 10 mins late!  I left the windows rolled down for Roxxie.  As I got upstairs, I saw Kara with her friends and she turned to them and said she needed to go since one of her patients were here and I heard something about borderline.  When I asked her if she was Kara, she said "yeah" in a very dismissive manner.  I immediately felt like crying and told her that I'm not going to see her and that I should've listened to my gut from the beginning.  I left to make my way back to my car.  

I have no idea how I made it into her home, but in the next part of my dream I was there with her in front of a sink.  She was there with an elderly lady whom I saw in my periphery.  I felt so awkward being there, so I made a comment about a dog who was sitting to the side of me.  But my interaction felt very forced.  

That is about all that I can remember.  When I woke up, I asked myself why it was that I would've returned to a place that gave me bad vibes from the beginning and then after meeting her, it was confirmed by her condescending and dismissive manner that it was not a good place for me.  I don't have an answer.  

Emotions and feelings experienced in the dream:  anxiety, stupid, awkward, judgmental, rejected, & shame. 

BTW... after having my session with Kara today, she definitely did not resemble the person in my dream.  She is very warm, a good listener, and understanding.  

Venting letter to my incompetent property managers in Orlando, FL

*Following contains colorful language.

Dear Justin and Mary,

You guys are the most incompetent people I have ever worked with.  You have the worst work ethics ever!  Excuse me, Justin?  "Yes, we take the weekends off like most people".  Well fuck you, mother fucker!  You are a property manager so you should work the weekends!  That is when people are free to view properties!!!  You're in the wrong business you fucking asshole!  I have tried to have some compassion and understanding that you are not only a property manager, but that you have your own investment property and you're a real estate agent....and you're short on manpower since you only have 3 people in your office.  But, maybe it's my bad that I didn't do a thorough research (something I always do before I hire anyone) and decided to hire you without even interviewing you!  Never again!  


And Mary - you are a fucking cunt of a bitch!  You think you are so slick by telling me what I want to hear.  You tell me that you are going to advertise on craigslist daily.  Ha!  I should've known that wasn't going to happen.  What a crock of shit!!  It has been 21 days since you have advertised on craigslist.  What the fuck are you doing all day long?  Are you just sitting on your ass thinking of how to NOT do your job?  Fucking get off your lazy ass and do something!!!!  There is nothing I hate more than someone who lies.  Did you think that I wasn't going to look for the listing??  And I was a dumbass for not checking up on your lying fucking ass sooner, because I believed that you would hold true to your word.  And I emailed you and left you a message and you don't even return an email or call me back.  I'm sorry, but that is not professional at all!  I know it's not good to hold ill will towards another, but that is all I have for you right now!  


I know that you are both spread thin, but guess what?  That is not my problem.  It has become my problem though hasn't it, because I hired your incompetent fucking asses!!  I hope that your business does what you are putting forth!  And in case you haven't noticed, that is zilch... nil... nada!!!  So I hope that is where your business is headed!  Well, I'm done now!  Fuck YOU both!!!!


Sincerely,

Maria
 

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

When I worked in the chemical dependency unit @ Mills Peninsula Hospital I'd hear this recited daily.  At this moment in my life, this prayer has become a powerful mantra that I have been reciting almost daily.  I am finding that there are many things in my life that I want to change, but cannot change and having to find some peace in that has been proving to be most difficult.  But I'm finding that when I can truly surrender to what is, everything just falls away and any ideas of how I want things to be cease to exist.  It's no surprise that this is all happening to me right now.  If this were to have happened to me years ago I would have completely fallen apart, as I'm sure I would've desperately clung onto fixed ideas and would've tried to control everything.  These past few years I have been given opportunities to practice "surrendering" and learning to not take who "I am" so seriously.  This has been a real difficult and arduous journey -- to break old habits and create new pathways is never an easy thing to do.  I still find myself struggling a lot, but I also know that all this has to be a process.  Some days are definitely better than others.  And all the in-between(s) are the juice of life where the extra sweetness of the nectar can be tasted if we can give ourselves permission to simply "be" -- free of judgments, free of labels, free of past imprisonments, free of being "full", and free of enslavement to doing.  I would like to see the world through the eyes of a child -- full of awe, wonder, curiosity.....and having an empty cup waiting to be filled.  Maybe I am delusional, but I truly think that it is possible to practice living this way.  After all, the moment is really all we have.  There is no point obsessing about the past or worrying about the future that has not yet come, if we can fully be present to the moment -- doing what we need to do will dictate what our future will be.  And I'm realizing just how tired I am at the moment so I will honor that, as I'm not sure how much of this blog even makes sense.  Until next time, love and peace.      

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

--Rumi--

This is my all time favorite poem of Rumi.  I got off the phone with the customer service rep from Citi Cards and was fuming!  I received a letter saying that they took the payment, but they were unable to identify my account.  Well, I saw the check that the online Chase account sent them on my behalf -- one number was missing.  In the letter it states, "You may also contact the Customer Service number located on the back of your card or from your statement.  Please have this letter available and the information above, doing so will ensure proper credit of your payment".   The customer service guy said that he could take a payment over the phone.  I said, "why would I make another payment when you have already debited my account?"  It made no sense.  So he finally said he can't help me although the letter clearly stated that I could call the customer service number.  Very misleading!!  

I calmed down after reading this poem.  I realized that it was my anxiety that wanted this to be taken care of right now.  Otherwise, I may be late on my payment and I'll be damned if I have to pay late fees and the high interest rate.  I just wanted him to resolve this now!
  

But I realize now that there was no point in getting so worked up or continuing to be pissed off when nothing was going to change.  I just have to complete the paperwork and fax it in and remember to check my account later to make sure that they have posted the payment.  It's just additional steps that I didn't want to have to deal with either.  Now I have to remember to check and if it didn't work, then I would have to call them again and continue to deal with it.  But it is what it is.  I guess instead of anticipating that I might have to deal with it again, I could just fax it in and cross that bridge when and if I need to later.  There really is no point anticipating the worse that can happen when it hasn't even happened and may never happen.  hahahaha!  Many times I act as if I could see the future, and so for this moment I will forego my fortune telling capabilities and just fax the form in.  Done!  

     

"A" Status Outing at Work

Yesterday my co-worker, Felina, and I took the kids we work with on their status outing to San Francisco (the weather was amazingly beautiful).  Our program is based on a behavior management system and the kids on "A" level get to go on an outing every other Friday and myself and another therapist take turns taking the outings.

So Felina used to work at Clear Channel Radio so she hooked it up with a visit there.  We got to see the KMEL studio and meet the staff.  Unfortunately, we got there too late so we didn't get to see Chuy Gomez in action for his morning show.  The kids were excited though because they got hooked up with some freebies.  After that we headed to Chinatown and went to R & G Lounge for lunch -- it was delicious.  Several of us ordered Mongolian Beef and none were disappointed.  After lunch we walked through North Beach and headed up to Coit Tower.  That was a lot of fun.  We stopped by a couple stores and some small galleries along the way.  Many funny moments with the kids along the way.  Imagine a  6 ft. tall, 15 year old boy in front of the statue of Columbus at Coit Tower screaming at the top of his lungs, "I am a Golden God!!" and the gaping tourists awestruck by this act.  It was hilarious!  Moments like this makes all the drama-filled days at work worthwhile. 

There is just so much to do and see in the city that we just don't take advantage of.  I think we'll be doing more outings playing tourists.  Not only do they make for fun outings, but it also exposes these kids who never get out to S.F. to experience the awe and beauty of what this majestic city has to offer.  I am grateful to have this be a part of my work with the kids.

Until next time, you stay classy San Francisco.   ;-)          

Sharing the path

As I walk with Roxxie, lately  I have been paying more attention to all of the life forms that surround us. I am constantly trying to help Roxxie avoid stepping or running over the snails or worms with her cart.  Like drivers sharing the road, we also share the path with the many living creatures that we encounter.  I have seen snails of all sizes.  Just when I think I've seen the smallest baby snail, the next day I would spot another one that's even smaller.  And it's pretty cool to see the different shades of shells too.  I wonder if there are any color/racial discrimination that occurs amongst themselves.  Hey, you're a light snail so you can't hang with us dark ones... so glide off!!

Anyway, Roxxie and I have been taking the same path every day for a couple weeks now and we run into all sorts of animals, among them 2 roosters.  I didn't know there were two until several days ago because they were actually outside to greet us.  I used to just hear the crowing in the backyard and I actually thought there was the one and wondered why it crowed so much.  So now it all makes sense, the damn cocks were trying to establish their turf in the yard.  I wonder what goes through Roxxie's mind as she approaches them.  She's curious, I could tell.... her ears perk up and her nose swishes from side to side when she spots them.  One of them freaked out as Roxxie got close and flapped his wings to flee, but the poor guy was tied down by the rope so he didn't get far.  Roxxie has been really good with sharing the path with them.

                                                                    Cock #1

                                                                      Cock #2

The other thing that I have noticed is that there are a lot of dog owners out there who aren't very responsible -- I spot shit in so many places.  It's astounding to me that people just don't pick up after their dogs.  I wonder if it would change at all if there were pet waste bags available along different areas of the various paths in the neighborhood.  Hmm... something to consider.  I think I'll call the city to find out if they would consider putting them around the neighborhood.  I guess the better question is, would the residents be willing to pay a certain amount each month if the city doesn't have the funds to do this.  Something to consider and ask I guess.. can't hurt.

I guess this post doesn't have a point really... just some things I wanted to jot down I suppose.  Until next time... namaste!

Touching Email about Roxxie

I received a very touching email this morning from Betsy, the one who told me about Home For Life sanctuary in Minnesota.  I've attached the email:

Dear Maria,

Roxxie is lucky to have you.  Unfortunately, so many people abandon their dogs when the going gets tough.  If you sold your place to accomodate your dog, if you got your dog a wheelchair instead of euthanizing her, if you are sticking by her side until an appropriate placement can be found... she is lucky to have you, and you are giving her good care and deserve appreciation for that.  I am always grateful for the people stick with their dogs through thick and thin, just as their dogs would do for them.  And I am willing to bet that if if you are doing all this for her, I bet you are lucky to have her too.  I bet she is an amazing dog that gives all the love she's got back to you, and for everthing she has been through, there is not one bit of broken spirit in her.  Dogs are soooooooooo resilient.  It's amazing.  I wish you both the best of luck.  If she gets to Minnesota before I do, I would like to meet her.  If I get there before she does, I will let you know about the facility if they let me visit.  We will keep in touch.

Betsy

She is a complete stranger in a sense... I don't know her and I've never met her.  But she is also not a stranger because we are all "connected" to each other in some way.  When we can reside in that "knowing" we can all be there for each other even if we have never met in person.  Emotions and feelings are universal and that is a common thread that we all share.  This email touched me on so many levels.  I guess I really needed to hear all the kind things that she said.  I emailed her back and told her that.  

It's so interesting how a small gesture and some kind words can really have such a big impact on us.  It doesn't take too much to make someone's day.  I mean it is quite beautiful that a small gesture could make someone's day.  If we take that to be true, why don't we do it more often?  Why don't we smile at each other more often or make eye contact and say hello as we pass each other?  I bet if we can live from the knowing that we are all connected, we may want to connect more with each other...or maybe not.  I dunno.  But I find it sad that we live in a society where we lead such disconnected lives within ourselves and with each other.  I guess the best we can do is to begin the change within ourselves -- the more we are open and put ourselves out there the more we can effect a change and maybe create a domino effect.  As Gandhi puts it, "Be the change you wish to see in the world".       

Finding Roxxie a loving home

So... on Sun, I set forth on a quest wrought with much ambivalence and pangs of sadness.  I emailed about 35 shelters and rescues in CA.  I began receiving the nicest emails back from some pretty amazing people out there.  Most people who couldn't help Roxxie expressed how sorry they were and provided suggestions and leads to other possible resources.  Since then I have contacted more places.  I have placed her on a courtesy listing on petswithdisabilities.org and will also place an ad on petsfinder.com.  I spoke with Lisa over at the Santa Cruz SPCA and they will also post a courtesy listing for me.  I have to also get together a flyer to send to another facility, as they have said that they can post it in their office.  I am truly touched and astounded by the responses that I have gotten.  And I never knew there were so many rescues out there and facilities that take care of senior dogs and dogs with disabilities. 

I was turned onto a place called Home For Life out in Minnesota by Betsy from Animal Assistance League of Orange County Helpline.  She said that their kennel was not appropriate for Roxxie, but that after talking with one of her associates about Roxxie, she suggested Home For Life.  Betsy even contacted them herself to tell them about Roxxie's situation.  Betsy visits Minnesota annually and was born there...and she's hoping to get out there in June to visit the sanctuary.  And what was so touching was that she thanked me for taking such good care of Roxxie.  Anyway, after checking out the website and seeing what an amazing place it looks like, I want to go and volunteer there one of these days.  If I end up taking Roxxie there, I will definitely make it a spot that I go to every opportunity I get to visit her and be with her.  I have contacted Home For Life myself and there is an intake process, and Roxxie meets their criteria.  They don't know when a space will open up as they take care of pets for life and a passing of one of the dogs there would dictate an open spot. 

This has been such a painful process.  Here is a brief story of what happened to Roxxie.  Roxxie was a stray from San Francisco.  My aunt adopted her, but was unable to keep her so I took her in.  She has been with me since she was a little puppy.  She has lived with me in Daly City, South San Francisco, and Foster City.  Roxxie was a very active and very affectionate puppy who loved to play with other dogs and loves being around people.  Her favorite place is of course -- Fort Funston.  Fast forward...in Dec. 2008, Roxxie hurt her right stifle resulting in an anterior cruciate ligament tear.  It seemed to scar up, but then she developed osteoarthritis in both her hips.  I took her to an acupuncturist and tried that for about 3 months with little improvement in her mobility.  In June 2009 I sold my condo so that I can better take care of her.  In Nov. 2009, her condition worsened where she had such difficulty walking. In mid Nov. she was almost paralyzed resulting in me taking her into the emergency at Pets Unlimited in San Francisco.  She was then referred to a neurosurgeon, Dr. Lisa Klopp of Sam's Clinic, in Mill Valley.  She then had an MRI done of her spine and was determined that she had multiple disc extrusions along her spine compressing on her spinal cord.  She also has spondylitis in her tail.  In early Dec I sought physical therapy once/week at Scout's House in Menlo Park.  In Jan 2010, a right T13-L1, L1-L2 hemilaminectomy was performed by Dr. Klopp.  After the surgery, physical rehab was started at The Sam's Clinic of 2x/week.  I took her home on the weekends and brought her back to have her medically boarded there at the Sam's Clinic for the next 3 weeks with 2x/week of physical rehab.  Roxxie really warmed up to the staff there at Sam's Clinic and looked forward to her Monday morning car rides there.  (She LOVES car rides)  And she loved doing hydrotherapy.  After bringing her home, I continued with physical rehab at Scout's House every Sat and had our last session on March 20th.  After not seeing a vast improvement in strength for walking on her own, we have decided to stop it for now.  I have purchased a counter balanced cart for her from Eddie's Wheels, which she stared using beginning of March.  This is how she gets around now and she has had several cart accidents, but as of late it has been working out wonderfully for her.  Although I realize that finding her a home is the "right" thing to do since my back and shoulder has suffered from helping her walk with a rear harness for 8 months and now getting her in and out of the cart, it still makes this process pretty damn painful. 

As I drove home after work today, tears filled my eyes and began to percolate into every pore of my face.  These tears were multifaceted -- they were of sadness, joy, love, peace, and gratitude.  When I get home, I am always greeted by Roxxie who is always so excited to see me... she rolls on her back and puts up her little paw and I give her little scratches on her chest, chin, and her head.  Today was different because I was painfully aware that I may not have that much more time to spend with her.  I walked upstairs to put my stuff down and immediately came back downstairs to be with her.  She rolled on her back, cocked her head back and gave me a tonne of kisses.  And as she laid her head on my lap and placed her arm around my leg, I felt my heart crack wide open.  As I continued to snuggle with her, it really felt like I was present to her in that moment....nothing else seemed to matter except this loving interaction between us.  It's kinda hard to explain, but everything else seemed to exist outside of that time and space.  None of the uncertainties in my life mattered and all the mental chatter dissolved into nothingness.  This incandescent moment will forever be etched in my memory bank.  

I wonder why it is that we often recognize how important something is in our lives during moments of losing it or having lost it?  It's like that saying, "you never know a good thing until it's gone".  I wonder why it's easier to appreciate what you had after it's gone than when it is still in your life?  Is it just human nature to take things for granted?  I wonder how we can practice being mindful and appreciate the people/animals in our lives while they are still in our lives?  I guess that is where I'm at right now with Roxxie.  It will be interesting to see how mindful I can be to appreciate each moment I have with her.  It has already started with our walks.  Our walks are tremendously meaningful now.  It is no longer about her taking care of business or just chasing after the next cat she spots along the way.  It has become a time for us to bond.  She has been an incredible teacher and I am filled with so much gratitude that she has come into my life.  She has shown me so much... one of which is the true meaning of unconditional love expressed and "lived" in each moment.

Here are some random pics of Roxxie.  

 

Roxxie when I first adopted her. 

 

Poor lil Roxxie after the surgery. 

 

Look how happy Roxxie was in doing hydrotherapy.

 

Roxxie's cool wheels.

 

Roxxie resting her head on her Tempurpedic Pillow

 

Roxxie in my brother's backyard.