Dream before seeing Kara, massage therapist

I was driving to Pacifica with my dog, Roxxie, for the first appt with Kara.  It was raining and a dreary morning or afternoon... I couldn't tell what time it was.  The condo was really hard to find, but I finally arrived -- 10 mins late!  I left the windows rolled down for Roxxie.  As I got upstairs, I saw Kara with her friends and she turned to them and said she needed to go since one of her patients were here and I heard something about borderline.  When I asked her if she was Kara, she said "yeah" in a very dismissive manner.  I immediately felt like crying and told her that I'm not going to see her and that I should've listened to my gut from the beginning.  I left to make my way back to my car.  

I have no idea how I made it into her home, but in the next part of my dream I was there with her in front of a sink.  She was there with an elderly lady whom I saw in my periphery.  I felt so awkward being there, so I made a comment about a dog who was sitting to the side of me.  But my interaction felt very forced.  

That is about all that I can remember.  When I woke up, I asked myself why it was that I would've returned to a place that gave me bad vibes from the beginning and then after meeting her, it was confirmed by her condescending and dismissive manner that it was not a good place for me.  I don't have an answer.  

Emotions and feelings experienced in the dream:  anxiety, stupid, awkward, judgmental, rejected, & shame. 

BTW... after having my session with Kara today, she definitely did not resemble the person in my dream.  She is very warm, a good listener, and understanding.  

Venting letter to my incompetent property managers in Orlando, FL

*Following contains colorful language.

Dear Justin and Mary,

You guys are the most incompetent people I have ever worked with.  You have the worst work ethics ever!  Excuse me, Justin?  "Yes, we take the weekends off like most people".  Well fuck you, mother fucker!  You are a property manager so you should work the weekends!  That is when people are free to view properties!!!  You're in the wrong business you fucking asshole!  I have tried to have some compassion and understanding that you are not only a property manager, but that you have your own investment property and you're a real estate agent....and you're short on manpower since you only have 3 people in your office.  But, maybe it's my bad that I didn't do a thorough research (something I always do before I hire anyone) and decided to hire you without even interviewing you!  Never again!  


And Mary - you are a fucking cunt of a bitch!  You think you are so slick by telling me what I want to hear.  You tell me that you are going to advertise on craigslist daily.  Ha!  I should've known that wasn't going to happen.  What a crock of shit!!  It has been 21 days since you have advertised on craigslist.  What the fuck are you doing all day long?  Are you just sitting on your ass thinking of how to NOT do your job?  Fucking get off your lazy ass and do something!!!!  There is nothing I hate more than someone who lies.  Did you think that I wasn't going to look for the listing??  And I was a dumbass for not checking up on your lying fucking ass sooner, because I believed that you would hold true to your word.  And I emailed you and left you a message and you don't even return an email or call me back.  I'm sorry, but that is not professional at all!  I know it's not good to hold ill will towards another, but that is all I have for you right now!  


I know that you are both spread thin, but guess what?  That is not my problem.  It has become my problem though hasn't it, because I hired your incompetent fucking asses!!  I hope that your business does what you are putting forth!  And in case you haven't noticed, that is zilch... nil... nada!!!  So I hope that is where your business is headed!  Well, I'm done now!  Fuck YOU both!!!!


Sincerely,

Maria
 

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

When I worked in the chemical dependency unit @ Mills Peninsula Hospital I'd hear this recited daily.  At this moment in my life, this prayer has become a powerful mantra that I have been reciting almost daily.  I am finding that there are many things in my life that I want to change, but cannot change and having to find some peace in that has been proving to be most difficult.  But I'm finding that when I can truly surrender to what is, everything just falls away and any ideas of how I want things to be cease to exist.  It's no surprise that this is all happening to me right now.  If this were to have happened to me years ago I would have completely fallen apart, as I'm sure I would've desperately clung onto fixed ideas and would've tried to control everything.  These past few years I have been given opportunities to practice "surrendering" and learning to not take who "I am" so seriously.  This has been a real difficult and arduous journey -- to break old habits and create new pathways is never an easy thing to do.  I still find myself struggling a lot, but I also know that all this has to be a process.  Some days are definitely better than others.  And all the in-between(s) are the juice of life where the extra sweetness of the nectar can be tasted if we can give ourselves permission to simply "be" -- free of judgments, free of labels, free of past imprisonments, free of being "full", and free of enslavement to doing.  I would like to see the world through the eyes of a child -- full of awe, wonder, curiosity.....and having an empty cup waiting to be filled.  Maybe I am delusional, but I truly think that it is possible to practice living this way.  After all, the moment is really all we have.  There is no point obsessing about the past or worrying about the future that has not yet come, if we can fully be present to the moment -- doing what we need to do will dictate what our future will be.  And I'm realizing just how tired I am at the moment so I will honor that, as I'm not sure how much of this blog even makes sense.  Until next time, love and peace.